Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize