thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
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