and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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