i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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