you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
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I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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