She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
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they won't let me drive with my sombrero
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
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Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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