she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
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so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
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You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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