Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
My cat gives me a boner
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We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
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I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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