Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
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So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
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I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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