Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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