I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
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How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
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Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
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