dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
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They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
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I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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