So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
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I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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