I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
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Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
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I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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