I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
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I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
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I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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