My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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