I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
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Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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