I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
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I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
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Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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