Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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