I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
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Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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