Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
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Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
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Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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