Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
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He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
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You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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