walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
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You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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