So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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