my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
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I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
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I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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