I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
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I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
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When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
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