If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
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Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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