it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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