Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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