My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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