I accidentally had phone sex last night
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
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My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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