all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
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Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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