I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
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RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
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I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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