so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize