SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
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I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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