I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
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I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
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Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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