I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
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I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
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I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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