mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize