Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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