Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize