I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
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Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
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my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize