Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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