im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
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she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize