Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize