there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
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Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
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Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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