A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
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We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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