My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There's always time for handjobs
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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