Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
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he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
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I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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