Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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