so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
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I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
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Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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